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i hope tis wont b ma result..haiz..

since 3 days io havent blog bout ma feelings.. its hard coz im bz werkin full shift evrydae now.. feelings:tired,fatigue, shag evrtin tat got to do wid tired..haha.. srious la.. i cnt take it at certain point of tyme.. just hate de thing like tiz but im in charge of de shop so have to lorr..

niwae at de point of tyme when she just neva turn up i was bit of frust but i think back it was not her fault since she is tired.. n i understnd hw tired she is.. of coz i dun wanna blame her.. i wanna sumone gud to her which undrstnd her even if i have to hurt maself.. but of coz i havent get hurt to undrstnd her la.. but im jus sayin.. jus miss de tyme we had together.. i dun noe y its hard fer me to jus let her noe hw i realie mish her even if she noe it..i just wanna express de feeling of missin sumone tat means so much.. n i always wonder y do she keep askiin do she mean a lot to me.. of coz she means alot.. i mean i wont chnge plan to do stuff just to see her.. but de sadden thing is i hate to leave her.. sumtimes i just wonder hw is she coping wid her werk,her family n fwends.. sumtime i just wonder have she eaten fer de dae, wat she eatin..i dun noe y but i feel rather odd tat i think too much bout her..  sumtime i just worie tat she might just go lookin at other ppl n having soOo much fwend whom is a gal also worie me.. i hate words from her mouth sayin tiz gurl like her, sayin she's kiut la,handsome la.. watve la.. i noe she is mine n im very protective over it.. ya,i wont show but sumtimes i always wonder whu text her.. de wae she do her face when Jas text me is de same wae sumtimes i feel coz idk whu text her up.. n its like make me curious..mayb de feelin of jealousy came coz i realie care fer her? idk but tat is hw i feel..oh mine,may i just think toO much..

aniwae,ive been busy now coz its de period to look fer ma things to bring to aussie.. leaving soon man.. cnt wait to start skool n end it.. im scared.. i look so strong cn still laugh but den..haiz.. im soOoOo sad..breakdown soon..  -_-

blast off to de world whre its realie upside down..tenkiu bby fer all.. mish ya always.. ader ke patot de reason was to remind me of her.. padahal without u doin tat also i will always rmmber u la bby.. de nite n dae was so full of romance.. lurve it so much..

im sorie if i i made u cry because

• i neva tell u bout it..
• i keep avoidin to tell u..
• i lie to u bout it..
• i pretend nuthin is wrong..
• tell u till u saw de whole incident..

believe me tat it was not on purpose..i was stupid if i noe i shud pretend goin to toilet so tat u wont even realise it was cumin.. i tot when i wash it,it might just went off but eventualie de blood was flowin out.. der was so much pain to bear.. i pretend i was ok but ma head was in total sharp pain.. i noe hw well i cud act out but i just dun wan u to werrie so much..wat sadden me was when u say 'hw re u goin to take care of urself in aussie' n i convinced u tat i will make it.. n bby,rmmber todae de first tyme u slap ma face..of coz not like a beatin slap or wat but a slap to make me realise wat i say was wrong.. but bby,didnt i make de fact true..it was jus a sayin.. i just dun wan anitin to last.. if onli u noe..

went out with no worries n thinkin it will brighter her dae... niwae it as rainin n i hate it lots.. she was so swit to actual plan to watch sunset but due to ma not  mantin to wear a dress which i plan to..chge of de plan..feel so stupid..

aniwae picture above taken when she sleep over ma cribs n i edit her photo jek..haha..

aniwae de whole dae out was again wid de faces..n well,tiz tyme round i actualie told her bit of wat i dun wanna see..since she been makin de faces,i told her not to send me off.. but evetualie she did n tell me stuff in de bus which explain alot to me..i understand tat la.. but i just dun noe y i hate de frownin nstuff u noe..mayb it is just not me..

well,sleepover was fun but it turn out i was stupid..if onli i cud ask her not to stay..ma stupid action cause sumtin which she dun noe to b leak out.. de thing is we had a gud nite when i have to awake in de mornin den afta de i get ma sleep ma head was in pain but i neva show.. but de tyme i wanna just look fer ma 'bantal busuk' was when she find out.. ma nose start to bleed..  de reason was not de normal too hot inner part but i will always bleed when ma head is in pain..i got tiz few mnths back whre i was suppose to go fer ma scan but i avoid it due to ma background in nursing.. i dun wan to noe de fact tat der is sumtin wrong..i hate knowin it.. but i noe i had promise n stuff.. so i will just wait fer de dae la..

gotta blog soon since she is still at ma cribs..

i had a blast halloween at PLAY..seeing all de pondan's n sruff u noe.. so many 'hantu' around..but well,it was so happenin tat i realie sweat..well,was like happy but bit of chngin mood since i see her face bit of bored.. i was just afraid ma dae make her bored n i just hate maself to mayb make her feel tat wae,i mean like irritate or bored or wtv la.. since her face seems like she is not in de mood.. but things turn out nicely afta tat.. bestie was bit of late goin in but she Njoy it n suddenly she was close wid ma cuzzin whom i bring on dat dae since i treat her.. was very tiring.. goin home i was hapiili walkin n again when i went to her,her face like dun bother..well,mayb i was de one whu make her not to b in de mood.. but wat else cn i do..i mean im just being maself.. sumtimes i wonder did i makemany things wrongly causing anitin hurt to her or she chnge her mood.. idk.. haiz.. keep askin her but she was alrite..well,i ASSUME she is sleepy but idk..realie i dun.. sumtimes its hard when i try hard to undrstnd even i dun seems to like care.. i guess she is tired afta de nite at ma cribs afta werk n stuff u noe.. but ya.. i guess.. she is tired..

well i had a vey sleepy mornin..jas pick me up den went to escort..bla..bla..bla. den i went home..

since de whole dae i was wid him,i start missing her so much but i cnt jus text or kol her..even when she kol i had to walk far to pick it up.. n sms secretly.. i just hate doin tiz n idk y todae i feel so lost.. de feel of losing to an end.. it feel sux when i cnt cntct her tat much..i dun tink she even noe it.. well, i always had needed her in ma life but i dun wanna show..haiz..

aniwae tat sumtin in ma mind i had been thinkin tat,if she eva wants me to do 'tat' on a normal straight club n ppl noe me as her fwend.. wont i b a cheap lady whu start doin 'tat' to ppl's around?? de main reason i dun wanna do in de club was i dun wan to be tot as a whore or bitch whu just bitch around ma life wid ppl..n 2nd reason was i was onli a fwend to all ur fwends.. so? shud u even dare me toO..? oh mine.. idk coz i noe it wud b so OUCH to me.. well, i just hope she will undrstnd me betta den i expected..

well,it turn out tat de dae was not expected i wanted it to be.. i tot sumiin not meant to b tiz wae at times..

aniwae picture above show hw sepet i am xia.. but wateva je la..i dun bother.. sum ppl tot im chinese even..

aniwae gotta update later since sumone kt umah kn..

halloween?? wat shud i wear?? skirt n de tube..??

haha..shall see later tonite..

mayb sumone was in ma mind de whole tyme was u bby..hmm.. yesterdae was so stupid bout hw i feel..de most thing tat was not on ma list happn.. bby was de one whu ask me to go n i was like dun feel like it but i jus go..

so de feelin:malu,paiseh,segan..n evrytin la..neva do anitin like tat before..haha...

let me get back to ma story now..hmm..whre shud i start..werkin yesterdae n guess wat bestie ku came treat me pasta.. was nice but tat is de reason i do sumtin i had not..haha..pape je la kn.. aniwae i guess i got stuck to ma old self.. im chngin back..

no  more swit me n stuff since i think im just being hypocrite to maself..i jus wanna get ma life..

im sorie if i will start ma chnge back again..

im sorie if im ma old self again..i left wid 99 days n dun wanna hurt more ppl now..

i just wanna let go or ppl to get their happiness without me animore..

haiz..i dun noe whu cn undrstnd me now..

im just so scared..very,very, VERY scared.. i just wish sumone cud just hold on to me n say dun chnge,i will be here.. i wish sumone cud hug me n make me feel secure back again..i just wish sumone just anione to say no matter hw u run i will always be behind to support as u may jus fall from de run.. i dun noe y i feel very scared n insecure but its jus me being like tiz..hard man..i just dun noe hw to explain ma feeling of fear now.. i just nid sumtin to push me up.. i dun wan to fite,i dun wan to quarell, i dun wan to have conflicts nimore.. i just wanna b hapie..

ma own promises to maself

• to watch de sunset even if i go alone..
• to go to de botanic garden even im alone..
• spent ma tyme wid ma mom..
• spent ma tyme wid de children..
• pray n keep prayin..
• go to de beach n wear de dress i have plan to..
• dun let ppl get worried..
• to pampered ma self..
• be ma old self back..
• independent again,cnt rely on other..
• thnkzful for wat happen..
• get tyme disipline..

i just wish it will be fulfil maself..

gotta blog..

if im too much too handle y dun u talk earlier... after tis happen den u start talkin..wat de hell,i dun care shit now.. i dun wan ppl to care bout me animore.. y must ppl pretend to care when dey dun..eventualie i find out dey were faking evrytin.. so now i wanna get a life.. stop gettin in ppl life.. i dun bother bout ppl's life animore..y must u guys be hypocrite when u guys acted it out not well..so u guys re caught..haha..wtv!! life a bitch so i dun bother..

aniwae im sorie bby to like get off ma life,i lup u tat i dun wan u thinkin bout wat im facin in life..

i just talk things wid abg ipar.. n evrytin settle down nicely..tell u ppl if i go back means i give up which im not like tat.. i have strong faith in maself n i noe hw strong i cn be..so i will be wat i am suppose to be..just strong like tiz wid no feelings now..

sumtimes i keep askin maself y must i keep doin all tiz thing to maself..y must i cheated ma feelings.. y must i dun wan u to care when i wan u to b just by ma side hold on to me n say evrytin gonna b ok wid u around...haiz..she is too good to resist..but i dun wan her to get more worie bout me.. wid she havin her probs..i just wan her to b hapie..since i left wid onli 100days in singapore.. i just practicalie wan her to b de happiest person on earth.. but sumtime i noe wheneva i talk to her,she will get bit of hurt.. n i dun noe hw to realie please her to make her smile.. haiz..

aniwae things re getting more hurtful den i tot i wud be..im gettin more sick n tired of hearing shit..n i CRY often..its not being EMO but tats de onli thing i cn do now as i cnt do much..i hate it..i think if tiz continue i will have breakdown.. n soon i will be de one whu have mental problem!! haiya..if onli ppl cud show tat extra TLC.. i nid love but i dun wan to waste ppl's tyme to love me animore.. i just haiz.. i dun noe..wat shud i do now..

Cn i take care of maself now without wantin u to care fer me..

blog soon!!

sittin at home de whole dae doing nuthin..
early in de mornin i did too many cryin already..
i was so unhapie bout it..
but wat cn i say..
im just a sumone whu have to live their lives..
when dey re stress..i have to stress too..
wtv it is..
im goin real down now..
sadness fill up de space..
but i just have to be wat i wan to..
since we talk bout it..
i dun wan to b a failure in life..
i just tot tat..
if i go back..
means im a failure..
so wats de point..
prove to ppl im not la..
not in de mood to blog..

chioz!!